Of Things Gone Downhill......

So....Things are not happy nor cheery for me right now. My life straight up sucks. I just thought I'd take a moment and blog about the man who is literally ruining my life and sucking the life right out of me. A couple months ago Phil and his girlfriend Jamie randomly up and moved to Burley, Idaho. He has been promising me over and over that he would send me the divorce papers. He never did send them, despite repeated nagging by myself. I told him I would do the paperwork myself, but he refuses to give me his address. He doesn't want to give me his address cuz then debt collectors would be able to find him! SO this means I cannot send him the divorce papers. Nor will he do them himself. I have done everything I can think of in my power to make this as easy and painless for him as possible. I filled out all the paperwork and emailed it to him. All he had to do was print it and sign it. That way he never had to tell me his new address. Fine. But no, apparently that's too hard too. He has promised me he'd do it over and over but I still haven't received the papers. I have even offered to drive to Idaho and meet him at a public place to give him the papers. That way he still had the option of keeping his new location a secret. But he won't even agree to that. I cannot make the man sign the freaking divorce papers! Dude I've offered to send him money for the notory and I've offered to pay for the entire divorce myself (even though this whole thing is HIS fault).

So then everyone keeps telling me its possible to get divorced without him signing. Ok, as true as this may be, I have other issues in which I will get screwed over. Phil and I bought a truck about a month before he cheated on me. We are both co-signers on the truck. The plan was for him to take full responsibility of the truck and I took our other bills/debt. Now, the problem is-if he doesn't sign in the divorce decree that he is liable for payment of the truck, then I have absolutely no legal standing as far as the truck is concerned.

Which leads to me to my next problem. This stupid truck. He of course has it in Idaho. I've been getting calls 1-3 times a week from the company that financed our loan. Phil hasn't made a freaking payment on the truck since August!!!!! He's so far behind on the payments that it is now affecting BOTH our credit. Each month my credit gets dinged worse and worse. Last week they told me they are going to repo his truck and sell it. Which is fine by me, except we are upside down on the truck. Which means even when they sell it, we still owe thousands. And since Phil has skipped town and won't answer his phone or call people back, they are going to garnish MY wages for HIS truck!!!! I really don't know what to do. The only way to get my name off the truck is to divorce him, but he wont divorce me or tell me where he is hiding.

I've had multiple people tell me to go up to Idaho and take the truck. But what people don't understand is, then I'm still responsible for payment for the truck. If I take it, then I really will have to find a way to pay for it. And like I said, we are thousands of dollars upside down on the truck. I have my own car payment along with all our other bills to take care of. I cant afford his truck in addition to my own bills!

And then there's the bank account. This last week I had to pay $140 for ONE FREAKING TANK OF GAS. That's an expensive fill-up, huh? What happened is I accidentally used our joint account debit card. (Dont judge me-I'll explain that in a minute). Ok so I freaked out cuz we only had like a $1.17 in the joint account. So I put $50 cash in our joint account so that my gas purchase wouldn't overdraft. (And no, I don't have overdraft protection on my account). Later I checked my bank account and Zions took MY money and applied it to Phil's personal account because apparently he's several hundred dollars negative and has been for months. I had no idea and no control over his personal account. His own account isn't connected to me in any way, shape, or form. But because he's a signer on our joint account, they considered it "his" money too, and refused to credit me back my $50. So of course my $25 gas purchase went into overdraft. It ended up being $90. (plus the $50 that I already lost to Phil's account). How retarded is that? $140.00 freaking bucks for a tank of gas! I went to the bank in tears about it and they couldn't do anything so I just closed our joint account.

Ok...some of you may be wondering why I still had a joint account. I promise I have my reasons. Stop judging me. Phil and I are still on the same auto insurance, which comes out of our joint account automatically every month. Now, Phil and I have both been splitting the cost and putting the money into the joint account to share responsibility. I didn't want to cancel the joint because that meant I'd have to put his truck insurance to my own personal bank account for insurance payments. i didn't want to be responsible for payment of his insurance too. And yes, he did pay me for the most part. Not anymore though. He's becoming more and more of an asshole each day. Anyway, when I cancelled my joint account last week, I had to tell Allstate to withdraw the insurance from my own personal account. Which sucks cuz I know that Phil isn't going to put money for his portion in my bank account. So now I'm gonna end up paying for his freaking auto insurance too. Fair, huh!

Ok, so now this is where people start to tell me "just cancel his auto insurance" yeah, not as easy as that. Because my name is on the insurance and the truck, I cant just stop paying for the truck insurance. What if he gets in an accident? I'm required by law because we have a loan, to keep the truck fully insured. I'm screwed no matter what I do. Plus, my insurance rate will go up with just my own car. (cuz now we have a multiple car discount).

So what is a girl to do? I'm miserable. I cry myself to sleep almost every night. Even though we've been separated since April and he's living in another state, he's still managing to ruin my life. I haven't been sleeping. I've made myself physically ill with the stress. I've become a jerk! I'm so mean to all my friends and loved ones. I keep taking out my pain and anger on those i love and I apologize. I just am constantly upset. I've never felt this way in my life. I'm so bitter and angry and sardonic. I have several cousins that are getting married or just barely got married and I'm so bitter that I have to bite my tongue from screaming. I want to shake them and say DON'T DO IT! Marriage is the worst thing you can do! Isn't that horrible? I had so much fun with Phil that it breaks my heart that he's killing me slowly. Right up until the day he left me. I remember it perfectly. It was the morning of April 26th. He told me he loved me and promised he would love me and only me the rest of his life. Within hours he was packing his bags and left me. Wow. Its amazing how life can change so dramatically so quickly. I'm seeing his true colors though. I'm glad he did this now instead of after we had children and a home. I thought we could handle the divorce like mature adults, but apparently not. He's running and hiding. He won't answer my calls or texts or emails. He wont tell me where he lives so I cant mail him the divorce papers. He's not paying any bills so everyone is calling me trying to get money from him. (His dentist and doctors call me too). I'm so tired of it all. I loved Phil with all my heart and i never thought he would be capable of hurting me so very badly.

If anyone has any advice, I'll gladly listen. Please just don't judge or act like I'm a retard. I'm so tired of people saying "just take the truck!" or "just cancel your accounts" when its NOT that easy. Its like people don't seem to think I've tried to think of everything I can. But any new ideas I'm open to. I really don't know how I'll handle it if I get my wages garnished because Phil is to stupid than to get a job and pay his own bills. And no, I cant afford a lawyer. Im flat broke.

I hate this depressed rut I'm in. I start crying all the time randomly for no reason. And yes, I'm taking my meds. I can't imagine how I'd be acting if I weren't medicated right now. I even double up my Zoloft some days just to get by. I'm a strong, intelligent, secure woman. But he's slowly breaking that down. He's turning me into something I'm not. I'm insecure. I wonder why people can't love me. I wonder what I did to make him hurt me like this. I start blaming myself when I know that I didn't do anything wrong. He's hurting me so bad and he has no idea. He is changing what makes me "me." I have moments where I just want to step in front of a semi. I just wanna give up. I can't handle it anymore. How could the one man I loved so much I devoted my life to hurt me so deeply? I just don't understand it. Even as I type this I have tears rolling down my cheeks. I know the divorce was not my fault. Oh wait, what divorce? When people ask me what I want for Christmas, all I want is a divorce. All I want is to lose all ties with Phil. I want him to stop ruining my life. I hate him for what he's doing. I hate that he's having fun, and having sex, and doing whatever he wants without responsibility. Yet...I love him. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. I wanted to have his babies. But now...all I want to do is move on. I want a new life. I want him to divorce me. I want him to cut these ties so that I can finally start my own new life. Is that too much to ask? Sometimes I wonder.... As bad as I hate myself and my life, I can't bring myself to believe that I really deserve this kind of misery...