Divorce, Dating and Moving On...

Its been two months ...exactly 2 months ago today, since Phil left me. And it has been a CRAZY 2 months. It's kinda funny how life can change so dramatically just over night. So, in a previous blog I asked my friends and readers to give Phil the benefit of the doubt as far as whether or not he was sleeping with Jamie. Phil has now admitted to me face to face that he is sleeping with her. So everyone, no guessing, all facts. Feel free to judge him all you want now! Jamie is living in my apartment with him. Jamie is living there, with her 3 kids, and my two cats and all of my furniture. Its so hard. I'm actually doing really well though. When I first found out, I was really upset. I bawled like a friggin baby. But I really dont know which part I was bawling over. Its just so weird when you live your life a certain way and then all of a sudden everything is flipped upside down, ya know? I mean, I was happily married (or so I naively thought) and I knew that I'd always be with Phil. I knew and was content with the fact that he would be the only mad I'd ever love, ever sleep with, I'd bear his children, etc etc etc. I never even thought about what life would be like if I didnt have him. And here I'm faced with everything I "knew" being gone. And over the past 2 months I've had a LOT of time to look back and reflect and realize how much better off I am. When you're in love, you justify every little thing. But as I look back, I realize how wrong I was about everything. I realized just how often he lied to me. In fact, I'd be willing to bet he's the biggest liar I have ever met in my entire life. He lead me on and lied about so many different things, I could tell you stories that would make anyone cringe. And yet...I allowed it and forgave him time after time, because I loved him and I was supposed to forgive him. Not anymore. I'm done justifying and forgiving him. He is a liar, he's a cheater, and he's an asshole. He has treated me so badly over the last 2 months since the split that I really dont know who he is anymore. And I dont know why in the hell I was so blind.

Phil called me a few weeks ago to ask for money. He left me. He and his whore and his 3 kids live together, and he asked me for money. How retarded is that? You should have thought about this BEFORE you screwed an out of work mother of 3. Hello!!

And then theres my HSA (health savings account) funds. we were insured through MY health insurance at MY job and MY bosses contributed to my HSA. When he left me I decided to do some things for myself. I had a tooth break, so I got my tooth fixed. That was $600. And then I got a buttload of contacts, new glasses, and a pair of prescription sunglasses. I deserve them dammit! That was about $600 as well. So yup! There went our entire HSA savings account. So now, Phil has a dentist calling him for a past due bill, and phil called me screaming because I spent the HSA. He made me feel so guilty!!! I felt so bad and I was near tears over it. He was yelling at me that I should have split it 50/50. But then, as soon has he hangs up on me I sit back and think, why do I feel guilty??? That money was from MY bosses and came out of MY paychecks. Phil left ME, so why should I care? Grrr I hate that he has that effect on me. Its like as soon as I'm away from the situation I realize what I SHOULD have said. Why should I feel sorry for that lying cheating jackass? He doesnt deserve my sympathy. And ironically, I heard that he got laid off from his job. Serves him right. He was always late or calling in sick and he never worked while he was there. He was a slacker and was always talking. So now, he has no job, no money, lots of bills, 3 kids and a whore to take care of, and no Shelye to rescue him!! Karma is a bitch, aint it??? But the frustrating part is that he's telling everyone that my brother "pulled some strings" to get them to fire him. My brother does work there, but my brother didnt do anything!! It was phils own horrible work ethics that got him laid off. I wish he'd man up and own up to his mistakes rather than blaming everyone and everything else for his own dumb ass choices.

Anyways...Enough about him. I'm over him. Believe it or not! There are small parts of me that miss him. But mostly cuz I'm lonely. Its hard from going to sleeping next to someone everynight and then being alone. But its not out of love anymore. It was so hard for so long, but anger and hate is replacing depression and love. The more terrible shit he does to me, the more I do realize I am better off without him. I just wish he'd move his slow ass and finish the divorce paperwork.

So...being single SUCKS. I have only been "back in the game" for just over a month and I already hate it. Grrr. I have been asking several guys out and I keep getting rejected. And the depressing part is that 3 guys in particular used to show interest in me all the time. Even while I was married!! But now that I'm single and available, every single one of them has blown me off. I have asked them all out multiple times and I keep getting rejected. Ouch!! I guess its the thrill of the chase. They were interested when i was married and unavailable. But now that Im single again, they totally dont want me. Its pretty harsh. And it reminds me of the old days when all of my guy friends are always only interested in my gorgeous girlfriends. Sad huh? I guess my height and lack of maturity has something to do with it :)

On the bright side, I had a great time last night. Jo and I were at lagoon (we got season passes) and we ran into a few of my friends from the haunted house. So we hung out with them all night and went to dinner. that was a lot of fun. Lagoon is way more fun with males around than just the two of us. So that was good times.

I've also been getting out a lot more. I'm hardly ever online anymore. Sitting at home online is depressing, so I've been a whole lot more outgoing and social that I have been in years. And its just about killing me! I'm so tired from lack of sleep that I came right home from work today and fell asleep. I'm pooped! But I'm having a great time in the process.

On a side note regarding being single. I'm totally not looking for a relationship. I think some people assume that cuz I was married I want to rush right back into a relationship. Which is so NOT the case. I'm terrified of falling in love again, and more than that I'm skeptical that I'm even capable of falling in love with another man. I just wanna play and have fun and get to know people. So if anyone wants to go out, or has any gentlemen friends that would be intersested, hook me up! :) No strings attached. The last thing i need is more drama. Anyways...I'm blabbing so I'm gonna go. Peace!